Finding my true voice… again…

One thing I know for sure about having a website is that it never really feels “done”.

Maybe it’s just me, but in the years that I’ve had this site, and other websites before it, I’ve reached a place called “done for now”… And within a few months, maybe more, I feel like I’ve shifted, changed and evolved so much inside. And I start to wonder whether it really reflects me and the essence of what I do so well anymore… and dream about the – big or small – changes I might make.

The latest evolution for me centres around expressing my voice more truly in the world. I might even call this my theme for the rest of the year. As I recognise this process may take a while…

Recognising and honouring the gifts I’ve been given…

I’ve been composing songs for over ten years. When I write a song, it’s rarely something I craft for weeks. Rather, it feels like a gift that I receive. And in a couple of hours, stretched over a couple of days at most, the whole thing “comes through”. Lyrics, melody, message… I’m still in awe of this process.
As this collection of “gifts” has grown … 8, 9, 10… an album, surely… I’ve found myself longing to really honour them. To record, to share, and to sing them with greater clarity and beauty.
I mean, I can sing beautifully. And I can also sing terribly. Or let’s call it mediocre-ly. It’s just not consistent. With the support of Shiona from The Performers Heart, I’ve started to see that the terrible part comes when my heart and throat constrict when I fall into a kind of performance anxiety… When my true voice gets caught up in trying to perform what I think will sound “good” in a way that other people will like.
Holy dooly!
Expressing myself… truly…
This realization has coincided with another realisation… That while I love writing this blog when I do it, I don’t do it as often or as easily as I could.
Why? Because I’ve been making it hard for myself.
How? Well… I’ve been trying to do it right. I’ve been trying to write the kind of kick-ass, perfectly-structured and neatly packaged blog post-come-article that will rock your world.
And this kind of performance pressure just isn’t fun for me. And it gets in the way of me expressing myself… truly.

The evolution I’ve been longing for…

Expressing myself truly is a deep longing. And not just for the sake of expression either. The longing is actually to meet you. To speak from a place in me… and to a place in you… that is deeper than the masks we wear, the roles we play, and the things we think we should do or say.
I long for this because, in my experience, it changes me. It changes you. When I speak from this deeper place… unplanned, unpackaged… I am often surprised at what I discover. There’s wisdom there. Gifts to be shared. In order to speak from my soul, I have to unveil it… And it’s infinite mystery reveals it’s wonders which have the capacity to transform all of us…
I know, that sounds big, doesn’t it?
But I’m not tooting my own horn here. Rather, I’m recognising this great mystery and wonder in all of us. It’s the infinite intelligence that powers the universe. You know how they say – the answers are within? Well, they are. And not just in one of us. In all of us.
And the truth is, I love nothing more than to sit by that conversation and let it reveal. I love listening to people like Kristin Noelle and Leonie Dawson share from this place of unfolding discovery… And I’d love to hear you share from here too.

So, tell me, beautiful one…

This is the bravest and easiest thing I could share with you today…
Tell me, how does it land? What does it mean for you? Does your heart also sing when you speak or hear the truth spoken? Have you also tried to “package and perform” who you are?



6 Responses

  1. Margaret says:

    Great blog Yollana. I agree, there’s nothing like flowing from heart. x

  2. Evan says:

    I guess for me it is about speaking and listening.

    Something happens in the meeting and exchange which requires speaking our heart but isn’t enough.

    I do think it is possible to improve by critiquing our performance and results (not so much ourselves).

    In one sense I think my challenge is to package myself more. People tend to find me too direct. Maybe I’m not expressing this very well. I don’t mean being fake.
    Evan recently posted..A Satisfying Life Means Being in Touch with Our Senses

  3. yollana says:

    @Margaret – Indeed!

    @Evan – It’s an interesting question isn’t it. I know my own journey has taken me from raw expression to more structured or “packaged” and back again. Perhaps it will take me that way many times. This says to me that it’s first about listening to your heart, so you can choose your own right next step, and then expressing from it. Sometimes that looks like following someone else’s system, or your own… Because that feels most true for you right now…
    yollana recently posted..Finding my true voice… again…

  4. Shiona Long says:

    Beautiful blog Yollana, thank you so much too for sharing some of the work that we have taken together.

    This week I took my first drama and dance class – to broaden my performing experience and have a greater appreciation for my clients in modalities that are not my natural strengths. WOW – this was the key take away. To be willing to make heaps of mistakes. It made me realise how much of my life I have tried to ‘package’ my expression to match what I think others want. It was liberating to be free in my body and in my heart and express what came naturally.

    I can do this with my singing voice…now how wonderful to be doing this in other areas. I am sure that it will in turn ‘liberate’ my business in ways that will be surprising, perfect and beautiful.

  5. David says:

    Wow! I really connected with what you are saying about websites reflecting the place you are at for the moment.

    As a therapist who promotes well being and a holistic approach to life, I’ve wanted my website to reflect the same; but I feel it never quite “gets there”.

    Just lately I’ve started to include a blog area, which is very much in line with what you were saying above (how you come back to things as you develop yourself).

    A well written article Yollana – thanks,
    David recently posted..The Benefits Of Exercise On Mental Health & Wellbeing

  6. yollana says:

    Thanks for your comment David… And congratulations on launching a blog area! Welcome to the blogosphere 🙂